dreadfully sorry..

haha

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:17:49 GMT

I always look back on myself and laugh. And sometimes I'm a little disgusted, too. Like a cringing sort of laughter.

Things are moving.

California Dreaming

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 06:03:16 GMT

So here I have to make a very big, life changing decision. My friend Andrew will be moving to California to live with his grandparents next year. He invited me to go with him. We talked for a long time, and made lots of uncertain but exciting detailed plans. He would go to the local cheap community college for a year. We would both get jobs and work every day. We both wouldn't have to pay rent because we'd be at his grandparent's house, so we would be able to make a good amount of money even with crappy jobs. I would spend the year eating away at my debt from school. We would both make music in our spare time. The plan involves moving our best friends over there as well. After about a year, maybe some of our friends would be able to come, and we would try to get a house in New Mexico, where things are cheap and far apart. We could have jobs to support the house, and make music all the time. Having our own property to work with would be very convenient. We could have shows, and we could be (almost) as loud as we want.

The reason I might do this? Well, I think the reason why I am going to college right now is simply because that's what I am supposed to do. I am majoring in anthropology because I couldn't choose, and that's what I had the most classes in. I do not have much interest in going into an anthropological field. I am spending a ridiculous amount of money every year for this. I love music. That is what I want to do. So why move all the way to the other side of the country? Right now we are near New York, in New Jersey, where a whole bunch of people want to be. Because of this, everything is really expensive. We want to be where everybody doesn't want to be. So why are we paying more to live here? Also, there, I can start all over. As we move through life we collect all of these things that we don't need. We get sidetracked, and like a boat moving through a field of seaweed, countless things latch onto us and slow us down. Right now there are so many things going on. I think if I moved to California, I would be able to focus on what I really want much better. I would be free, and (almost) alone. Right now I have no plan. I have nothing that I am working towards. This is why I am becoming more and more apathetic and numb. But here is a plan! Something to look forward to! Something that I may fail at! This is especially attractive to me.

So I need to make this decision.
Here are the good points of both sides:

NJ
- Next year I will live in a house with all of my friends.
- I will be near my family.
- I will be near other friends.
- It will probably be hard to convince any of my friends to move to California with me.
- I am in school here with only 1-2 years left.
- Leslie.

CA
- Next year I will be able to work off some of my debt.
- I will be able to make more music and art.
- I will be able to do many more things that I usually can't do because of school.
- I will have some solitude.
- It will be much easier to manage and organize my life.
- Things are cheaper.
- I won't have to have a car where we will live. Just a bike.
- I will have something to work towards.
- Manifest Destiny

Hmmm... California?

What to do.

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:25:00 GMT

Maybe I should sell all of my things and buy a motorcycle and drive to South America.

Well.

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 22:31:48 GMT

How are you? How is everything? I hope it is well. I hope everything is very well.

I am well. Or at least I am fine. And things are moving quickly.

The summer- Beautiful Claudia returns, we go out for a while. I am an asshole, she breaks up with me (action/reaction). She disappears off the face of the Earth. I am very depressed and lonely for some time. I start hanging out with Euney and she cheers me up a bit. I begin to reorganize my mind. Start seeing a psychologist, I have ADD. I begin taking pills for this and making schedules and lists, it makes me feel better. I begin talking to Lillyan. I find her very interesting and do not know what to feel about her. She has a very nice boyfriend named Dan, so I decide to shape myself into a brother type figure. We learn things from each other and talk about things every day through texts and the internet. School comes along. Euney stops talking to me and disappears from my life. I start hanging out with Lillyan everyday. We do some art projects. A bird lands on her head and we take care of it until we put it back into its nest. I start becoming closer friends with Ed because he lives in the room next to me. Connor, one of the most important people to me lives at Meat Town, along with some of my other friends and acquaintances. He spent the summer alone in India. We grow farther apart. I begin to feel as though I am worth nothing to him; he is always too busy to hang out and seems very distant. I begin working on some songs. I introduce Lillyan to Connor. Lillyan then mysteriously disappears from my life. She is always to busy to hang out, but I always find her hanging out at Meat Town with Connor. I start becoming very depressed and lonely, and feeling worthless and useless. Ed and I talk with each other about our feelings. Eventually I piece together that Lillyan has broken up with Dan and is now with Connor. At this point I become suicidal to a degree. I do not think I would ever actually do that because it would hurt too many people I care about.

The night I figured out what happened I went home and took a bunch of sleeping pills so I wouldn't hurt myself. I wandered around on my bicycle and fell asleep in the grass somewhere. I woke up to police officers who thought I was drunk but they were nice and I was cooperative so we just went our separate ways. After this I avoided Lillyan and Connor for a while, and felt as if I had nobody in the world to talk to or comfortable be with. For a while I was pretty confused about my feelings for Lillyan. I was definitely jealous and did not understand why. I felt that maybe I had fallen in love with her. But I'm pretty sure I was just jealous and sad that she would no longer be a very big part of my life, and instead now it would be Connor who she saw everyday and did all sorts of random fun things with. I felt very worthless. Eventually, tensions rose and we ended up talking about what happened. She made me feel much better, and told me that she loved me too.

And now we all hang out and we have good times together. The night before last we went on an adventure to an abandoned factory in the South Mountain Reservation. But I have still been very lonely lately. And very depressed, but not only for this reason. I am doubting all sorts of aspects of myself, and questioning everything I come across. I feel as if I am working towards nothing, because I haven't a clue what I want to do; and thus I am not doing much of my schoolwork, or anything else I've been meaning to do for that matter. When I feel lonely, it makes me angry at myself because I feel like I should be able to derive happiness and sense of self-worth from myself. I was alone all throughout most of high school, so why do I have such a problem now? The simple fact of the matter is that humans are social creatures. I have now been socialized, exposed to this world of people and feelings and exchange of sentiments. I have found people I like and enjoy the company of and care about. I scare myself sometimes, because I never really know exactly how I feel about things, or what I am thinking. I am very unsure how I feel about most of the people and things in my life. But here I am! I am here, and I have some wonderful friends and anything could happen. I am looking forward to the future!

(edit) Reading over this, I think some things did not come across the other way. One of the key elements to this whole store is that I may be slightly delusional, and I am definitely a bit paranoid. I love all of my friends and I know that they care about me; sometimes I am just easily affected by things.

A livejournal post.

Fri, 16 May 2008 03:58:22 GMT

LONG TIME NO POST. What a year it has been. I have learned a great many things this year; about people, about myself, about every little thing. This year I particularly learned a great deal about the devil. The devil lives in everyone. This year I was somewhat of a slave to my devil, doing things that I honestly did not want to do, things that only taught me what mistakes to not repeat. Desire, lust, instant gratification, different means of avoiding and escaping the sometimes terrible reality of things. These would be my themes for the past four or five months. In the end, the constant inconsistencies between what I truly care about and the things I did to myself, among other random things thrown at me, nearly drove me insane. If it were not for some certain inadvertent influences in my life, I would perhaps no longer be in this world, or at least no longer be who I am (meant to be). These influences are my conscience, and they consist of particular people in my life that keep me somewhat grounded to reality; people who make me want to be true to myself, and good to myself. My bout of masochism at the end of the school year was the result of my inner conflict; by that time the two parts of me in question (the "good" and the "bad") were split so far apart that it was just a matter of time before something terrible happened. The lone thing that saved me is impeccable timing. I am home now. I am going to Babylon tomorrow. Claudia will return from Italy on Sunday. I feel that my mind is now moving towards a much better place than it has ever been in. I have been cutting myself off almost entirely of things that will bring me instant gratification or an escape from my abundance of thoughts. I have been facing the things that I avoided and denied; making decisions that I simply refused to make. I have been loading my actions with meaning, and viewing everything I do as important. If all goes well, I am taking next semester off and working on a ranch in Colorado. Until then I will be working at the doctor's office, painting, and working at The Pool Parties. On Monday, I will hear back from Ford Models. Hopefully they like me. If they don't, That's fine too. What happens... happens. (right?)

My future is as wide open as the endless deep blue sea.

And I think I've almost learned how to sail this thing...

Things move forward..

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 23:20:48 GMT

With every heartbeat we get closer.

1. I passed expos!!! Wooooo!

2. We (Seal Club) are playing a really awesome show on New Years. Serendipity, Montclair. Don't miss it!

3. No more girlfriend. I'm feeling better about that. I still miss her though.

4. What will happen next!

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 19:04:21 GMT

So many great things are happening in my life! I have a great girlfriend, I love all of my classes (besides expos), I'm playing lot's of music (first show is tonight), and in general I'm feeling happy and figuring many things out. Hope you're all well. <3

What an interesting experience

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:55:30 GMT

I remember everything so intricately. I'm not sure how fast we were going. There was a fork in the road and we were going too fast to go in either direction. The tires screeched to the right a bit, and we bounced up over the grass. I remember hearing the leaves brush against the side of the car as we slammed into the tree in the middle of the fork with a smacking sound. For a split second all I saw was blackness surrounding a ball of what looked like electricity. Then there was just smoke and confusion. How nice it is to be alive and have such a nice life and have such wonderful people in it.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 07:18:48 GMT

1. I can't feel my foot. Not even when I touch it with my hand. Nothing.

It
must
have
gotten
tired
of
my irresponsible decisions
that I
constantly
so unfairly
do
not consullt
my foot
about.
And left.
It has declared
independrnce.
wordvomitla;thsadt

2. Yesterday there was no shower curtain in the bathtub so I had to take a bath for the first time since I was five. It was a bit confusing.

I filled the tub with hot water. I looked at it for a while thinking about how talking a bath is just seeping stewing in your own filth.

It's exactly like making soup.

I saw little hairs and bits of lint floating around in the tub. Once I finally mustered up the courage to get in, I tried my best to get settled, but really did not fit very well at all.

So then I was in the tub. And all I was thinking was "now what?" What the hell does one do in a bath? I was just sitting there in a tub of water! After a little contemplation, I tried washing my hair. Once I had the shampoo in my hair, I realized that the only way to wash it out would be to roll around upside-down underwater.

yattayattayatta basically I dislike taking baths.

3. I am down. Not quite so down as I was earlier today. On the bus back from the city today I kept seeing wierd things that would make me sad, like the trees that grow in between the two sides of the highway, or the line of white and red lights in the distance that marked our state's largest thoroughfare. I was thinking about all of the people in the world and how I would hardly ever talk to any of them, and how I would hardly know anything at all. Philosophically, I'm pretty screwed up right now. Lately I've been reading the bible, because I feel like it's very important. I have no idea how I feel about anything anymore. I really mean anything. The people in my life, the things in my life, ideas, everything.

4. I really want to start a band. Making music by myself just doesn't cut it. A multitracker is neat, but I want to perform. I need a bassist and a drummer (and maybe a random instrumentalist [keyboard?]). I really want to find a female bassist because our voices would sound better together (and female bassist are just so much cooler).

5. Today is my birthday. I am not doing anything, because I can't think of anything to do. I'm not getting anything from my parents because I couldn't think of anything to get.

For my birthday I want a girl who will play the bass and sing with me.

If anyone could find me one. or be one. I would be eternally greatfull.

6. Pickupsticks.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 20:10:34 GMT

Everybody's always mistreating each other, and it makes me so sad to just watch..

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 05:07:48 GMT

What's the difference between an orange?

Because snakes don't have armpits.

Thu, 17 May 2007 08:02:54 GMT

I feel very trapped here. My mom is always telling me that I am very irresponsible, and fucking things up. Joe flipped out at me a little while ago and gave me a lecture because he caught me awake at 2 AM. I spend much of my days doing things my mom wants me to do. For some reason even though it is summer, there is never a day that is truly mine. I have a decent job, and I got myself off of academic probation this semester. I feel like I am doing pretty well. I wish my mom would let me relax and enjoy summer. What I really want to do is take road trips. I just want to get away and explore things.

BTW

Tue, 15 May 2007 04:19:52 GMT

Hi Alexis! Hope you're having a nice day at work!

Tue, 15 May 2007 04:19:05 GMT

Hmmm.. So this might work well. How interesting!

Cornelius!

Thu, 10 May 2007 20:13:53 GMT

Here I go!! =D

Thu, 10 May 2007 02:23:03 GMT

SCHOOL HAS ENDED! I am free of obligations! Until I get a job tommorrow...

Tue, 01 May 2007 08:42:51 GMT

But with intentions as yet blocked

We really see.

And then when we move over,
we act as a cannibal cow in a field of feathers

And we drink and gamble and have meaning (less sex).

We have meaning?

Bullshit we are not too. But then what is this?

The infinite, the nothing, the good the bad.
The end

Wee...

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 04:00:13 GMT

What an interesting year it has been. Well, I suppose it's not over yet. I have changed very much over the past two semesters. Lot's of the change is the result of my friendship with Euney. I've come to accept and appreciate things for what they are. Also, my opinion of the value of words has lowered. People Are far too confused by there own emotions, and I find it much more reliable to just figure things out on my own. Actions speak much louder than words (at the same time, words can be included in these actions, but are not neccesarily to be taken as they are). I have also become much more social, and have learned about having a group of friends. It's a pretty important thing to know about and it's pretty late to be just learning now, but I suppose that can't be helped. I also have much more respect for myself and my values. Though it may sound a bit old fashioned, honor is a very imortant thing to me. Oh yeah, I also shaved my head. Nobody saw THAT coming. What a productive year! I think I might have grown an inch, as well.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 04:56:10 GMT

A drop of water fell from the sky onto my forhead, and it felt so cold and wet that it made me realize where I was and what it is that I was doing. Ever since that time my life has changed drastically. Oh little James, where did you learn to deny these things that you know deep down in your heart to be true? Well from society of course... Look at it- all of the beautful lights, all of the water and smoke that flows from our lovely little pipes. It's all just denial...

It's so nice that these atoms happen to be organized in this way. So efficient. So difficult to think of as pure coincidence. Together in this way, they can type this sentance. Yes, we can type this sentance (too)!

OOIOO

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 06:55:21 GMT

That was definitely the best show I've ever been to! Too bad nobody wanted to go with me!

JAMES UPDATE.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 07:48:45 GMT

Well here I am, waiting for my sister to wake up so that we can go to England. What an interesting time I've been having. I don't think I've made any meaningfull updates lately, so here goes. I am going to England because my grandfather is dying of cancer, and I want to see him while he's still here. I'm looking forward to my visit alot. Sometimes it makes me sad to think of how he must feel, but besides that, him dying really doesn't bother me so much. I've always had a very strange way of dealing with death. It might be that I never actually deal with it because it does not make me sad or depressed. My great grandma, and my other grandfather both had very slow deaths. While they were dying occasionally I would feel very sad about how they were and what was hapening to them, but then when they died I felt nothing. When steve killed himself I felt sick to my stomach when I first heard about it, but I never really felt sad. There was an awkward absence that I didn't really know how to deal with, but I never really got upset about it. To put an excuse to my lack of emotion I will say this: I am thankful that I am witnessing my grandfather die, and in this logic I'm sure he is too. If you never witness your grandfather die, it either means: a) He died before you were born and you never got a chance to know him, b) You never had any contact with him, or c) he outlived you.

In other news... I am now part of a group of friends! I guess the story of how I got into it doesn't really matter, but I want to tell you about all of them!

Chris- A child stuck in a very tall, attractive body. He has a degree in photograpy, and now goes to Rutgers simply because Shriane is there( or so it seems). He is honest and sees the world in a very similar way as me. He is very sweet, and I really like talking to him. There are worlds in his head that nobody will ever see.

Shriane- Wears a very innocent facade, but deep down, really knows what's what. Though on the outside she just seems very cute, she is very intelligent and thoughtfull. I really like the way she feels about things. Note: not neccesarily what she feels about things, but the way she goes about it. It's hard to describe. It's as if there is a fire in her, and it warms me. Her and Chris have been in a relationship for about four years now.

Norm- Big sweet dopey-looking asian guy. When I say "big" I don't mean fat. He's just very tall, and not really skinny. He is in shape. He works out often ...But how to really describe him... Well, if I were a girl I would want to marry a guy like Norm. He is very sweet, and has very good values. He is also smart and can talk about alot of things. Sometimes he can be really funny (sometimes on purpose and sometimes not).

Jewel- Can be funny, smart, nice, or mean. I suppose you can really say that about anybody, but she really goes up and down. She was the one who introduced me to this group. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't left my French notes in my friend's dorm room, and she hadn't found them I would have never met any of these people. I am eternally greatful! I don't really have too much to say about her because she can be a bit mysterious. Maybe I'll have more to say after a while.

Jenny- YAY! Jenny is so sweet. There's something that I like about her alot. I feel like we have some sort of special connection. We are always nicer to each other than we are to everybody else. I care about her alot. Not to say that I care about her more than everybody else, but say I had to choose somebody in my group of friends to give a pretty flower, I would give it to her. Not that I have a crush on her or anything. We just get along very well.

And those are my new friends! Woo! They make me so happy! They are the first actual group of friends that I've been part of, and I hope we all stay friends for a very long time!

In other news.... I seriously have to stop feeling this way about Euney. I have to accept the fact that although she cares about me alot, she will never feel the same way about me, and this relationship will always be very unhealthy for me; as it has been for the past year. I want to start going on dates with other people, but I really haven't met many people that I think would like me. Whenever I do meet somebody I am attracted to there is always a catch. Either they are taken, or I just do something stupid. I care about Euney alot, and have so much respect for her (maybe alot more than I should), but I'm pretty sure she'll never actually want to be with me so I think the best thing to do is to just let it rest. I have said that to myself so many times over the past several months... I don't even know what it is about her that I like. We will be hanging out, and she will be saying all of these things that are very demeaning and make me feel really stupid and meaningless, but then when I drop her off at her house, I watch her shut the door and I just want her to come back out. I'm going to stop talking about this now, because when I talk about it I just confuse myself.

Anything else? I love my Russian Novel course. I am not doing so good in Expository Writing. I think that's just about it. My plane leaves in about four hours, so I'm going to go make sure I packed everything.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 04:33:05 GMT

Aye aye aye...

I feel like there is something wrong with my brain...

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 21:18:21 GMT

I've been very stupid lately. I know this.

Maybe there's something wrong with me...

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 05:31:53 GMT

Now I just don't know what to do. I feel like I will never get into a situation where things will just go smoothly, and be nice. I always fuck things up..

Woo! Life is so exciting!!

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:55:43 GMT

I was just looking at Pool Party pictures. I can't wait till summer. Pool parties every Sunday.. Maybe I'll even get paid, too! And maybe I'll have a bit of hair on head. I miss that stuff terribly.